一個星期日的下午

星期日下午，放了工便回家，想躲開都市的繁華窩在房間看書。在香港聽來像是很奢侈的一件事，但必須。爸爸媽媽年紀愈來愈大，我覺得他們愈來愈祥和安靜，人生智慧的體現，大抵如此。我喜歡安靜的地方、安靜的人和事。

開了電腦無意中看見一個檔名是中文的檔案，有點稀奇，原來是前男友從高登抄下的網路文學，標題是「男人唔可以窮」。很快的看完了，我莞爾，很熟悉的用詞，很生動的高登仔心理和生活描寫。我沒有再上高登，因為不再需要和前男友以及他的朋友有這樣一個共同語言，但高登總是令我微笑。

有時覺得世界很紛擾，紛擾得有種不很真實的感覺。印度年輕女記者被強暴了，山東小孩的眼珠子被搶了，香港人在爭取普選，中東局勢愈發動盪，鯊魚漸漸的稀少了。我們的城市中，兩性分裂對立的潮流好像過去了，大眾對港女的指控逐漸緩和下來，或許因為大家的注意力轉移到訪港或尋求居港的內地人身上去。我對於香港愈來愈擠逼，無法不感到抗拒，然而轉念一想，如果我是內地女子大了肚會不會也想到香港去，如果我是印、菲來打工的傭人，在這裡一住十年，我會不會也覺得居留權天經地義。我覺得自己好像活在夢中，返工放工，吃飯上廁所，偶爾唸唸書為考試徬徨一下。生活平靜有序得累人，並且在熱熱烈烈的社會糾紛之下顯得兀突。

上星期收到的包裹有一本書，「On The Road」，是我想看很久的一個故事。這應該是我收過最浪漫的禮物，所以我要挑一個悠悠的下午去看這本書。遙距的人兒，連影兒都不見，誰說得準呢? 但他給我讀一首詩，我就覺得沒看見的比看得見的更真切。

The Anti-social Ferrero Rocher

I find myself mentioning St.Catharine's and Berlin really often. On the contrary, I don't remember talking about CUHK or the School of Pharmacy that much. It is likely because St.Cat's and Berlin are places where I have my personality molded and my values shaped. Following my sister's footprint is not fun. Entering the same school and giving up basketball for Girl Guides was my family's idea; and I didn't really care. I cannot say I have regrets because I have achieved a lot, learned a lot and made a lot of friends because of these decisions; but I wonder at times, what my life will be if I had always made my own decisions, even in my young age. I thought it was uncool to live my sister's life again. The path I took digressed from hers since F.5, when I left St.Cat's. Then I realized, although I have entered the same school and been engaged in the same extracurricular  activity, I have never lived her life. We are too different so one living another's life is just impossible.

I have liked Tim Burton since I was 9 and the very first character that caught me was Jack. The visuals did not impress me; the plot did not either. I was obsessed only because of the sadness and darkness in the film, and in this particular character. I was obsessed with pain and sorrow back then, which is also why I love the short poems by Time Burton about how malformed kids die. Some years later, Jack became very popular in Hong Kong. It has got so popular that pirated stuffed toys of Jack were everywhere. People hung Jack on their schoolbag zips and on their phones. I was annoyed. It has a lot to do with my arrogance. I doubted if people feel for the film like I do; to me, it was the only proper reason to like Jack. I quenched my admiration for Jack because I couldn't stand being considered as one of those who liked the character because it was cute. I couldn't stand being seen as superficial, although I knew at the same time, this was quite superficial in itself. Same story happened with many other things.

I'm glad that I don't care about it anymore. Being cool or not, being superficial or not. It is a relief; caring too much about how people think of you is exhausting and it drives people to live for others instead of themselves. However, I think it could be me getting old, like the dog I visited in Yuen Long which doesn not give a damn to anything. Maybe I am just too old to hiss.

Soon I will graduate (well, if nothing goes wrong...finger crossed!) and then I should take off. Where to though, remains a mystery. I don't think I can make a decision until the time really comes. I thought about going to East Europe with Anthony, to Europe with the EASes, to Australia with Hamster, to Tibet with Mandy or Libby, with St.Cat's girls to South East Asia, or to Scotland and join the festival with Stewart. All sound pretty nice but these are people's decision, not mine. I still need to figure out where I want to go for myself. Travelling with friends could be fun but lonely journey suits me the best. It is more important to be alone and away from HK than sticking with friends if I want to enjoy. I feel slightly stressed when I am around anyone else, even the closest one or the best friends. I like silence too much. And I like sparing my attention to new people met along the journey. This is the whole point of travelling for me.

More and more friends are complaining that I don't spend time with them. It makes me sad and drives me into even more anti-social mode. I spend time with the ones I like but I keep those I love and care close to my heart. And I am always here when you need me, dear, you just need to make a call or send me a message and let me know.

Whenever I finish blogging and read it again, I stop after 2-3 lines because my thoughts and writings are horrible. Why then am I still posting it out though? Well, I guess I want people to know how well I fit in the Gemini character.

回頭多少個秋

那天走在街上，我就知道，它來了。

春去秋來，在孩提時代從來是一件很新鮮的事，一年兩次，風吹過P髮梢，她以呼吸感受那微妙的濕度的變化。有別於早春陳腐的鮮甜，初秋的空氣摻雜了木頭經過日曬乾裂的香，P用力吸著屬於季節的氣味，像個癮君子。然後，她仰起頭，半瞇著眼望向天空，她並沒有直接看進太陽裡去，早上的陽光畢竟刺眼，眼角不經意瞥到的光線告訴她，夏雖然還在，但漸漸遠去，她伸手向空中，彷彿要抓住誰的衣角，卻抓一把空，她把手掌攤平仔細看，細細的紋游滿她的小手。

R輕輕一托高直鼻樑上的金屬細框眼鏡，黑板上的算式他沒有用心看，桌上是很整齊的一疊講義，一本單行簿，簿上一行一行的鉛筆字都像骨牌要向右倒下去但在半空被誰點了穴，一塊塊傾斜至四十五度角就凝住了。窗外的銀杏葉又一塊落下，在R看來像以極誇張的慢鏡播放，他看著半青黃色的小小扇形在空中向下飄降了幾厘米，開始了不規則的旋舞，或者是他不夠留心，沒能看見銀杏葉旋舞的軸心和軌跡。他皺眉，像有不值一提但又不能不表達出來的不滿，又像用力地想要弄清甚麼重大的真相。教物理的先生定睛數秒，半班同學轉過頭來，R似乎感覺到注視的眼睛，他望向有點佝僂的物理先生，二人透過兩層凹透鏡四目交投的一剎，銀杏葉以一側的葉緣著地，沒發出一點聲響。

唧唧唧唧。

唧唧唧唧。

她搔著頭皮，搞不懂是頭髮裡的虱子在叫還是又到了夏蟲唱歌的季節，吃剩幾顆的穩舒眠糖衣片，也不知道過了期沒有，在塑料袋內靜靜躺著，S記得幾天前，還是幾星期前呢?她自己也不記得，有時時間過得特別慢，尤其是蟲子會叫的時候，有時時間過得異常飛快，她覺得自己活過了一兩百年，甚至有泥土掩過了她的皮膚，小樹苗的根幾乎要碰到她。幾天或者幾星期前，她正要吞下糖衣片，忽然有莫名的恐懼，她明明拿的是藥片，卻直覺那是蟲子的蛋，她直想吐，趕快把藥片抖掉。她不明白，但她就知道。街角的士多幾天或者幾星期前在貨架上陳列了大小顏色不同的紙燈籠，還有一盒廿四枝的紅蠟燭。這年頭，誰家的孩子還要買紙燈籠呢? S牽一牽嘴角，也不知道苦笑是要安慰誰，立即覺得自己有點失儀了，收起了顯得笨拙的笑意，買一個粉紅的紙燈籠。紙燈籠點著了，幽幽的光，映著幽幽的月兒，S記起小時候和哥哥姊姊在公園煲蠟的情景，心裡一陣激烈的溫柔，她眼角有點濕潤，更覺燭光溫暖可愛。

Shalom

兩個月，不長的時間，一下子過去了，走的一剎，關上電腦看見屏幕變成黑色一片的一剎，有種奇異的感覺，好像是不捨，又好像不是，像踏了一個空，閃些就要掉下卻一站直起來，人還是好端端的，卻還有點恍惚，似乎未回過神來。

這個暑假，我沒有讓自己停下來，我喜歡這樣有條不紊的忙碌。下班happy hour，呷一杯bourbon，覺得安靜就是最美麗的音樂。

這天，我卻回了家和爸媽以及爸的朋友吃晚飯。大人談話，我通常都不作聲，只低頭喝我的普洱，雖然眼一直盯著圓桌對面千里之外的水仙。我沒有很留心，只是注意要微笑點頭，大家都很快樂，我在想，啊，明天可以去游水了。

每天都是新的，說再見不過是人生的其中一小片吧。

Flash-back

I didn’t have the sense of belonging to Hong Kong (or anywhere else in the world) until I lived in another place. It was Hong Kong that drove me to Berlin and it was Berlin that brought me to Hong Kong. Part of me fits in basically everywhere but the other part of me doesn’t fit in anywhere and this other part is more than just wanderlust. It is the reason of missing Hong Kong when I was miles away from it; and being in love with Berlin when I am back to this side of the globe. Despite the fact that I am Chinese and was born and raised in Hong Kong, I feel close to Germany more than anywhere else. The language sounds rougher than French, colder than Spanish; the weather almost froze me to death in winter; the choice of food is less than limited compared to what we have in Hong Kong; but I was in love, and still am.

After a year of hectic school work and all the work this summer, I thought I have settled well back in Hong Kong and I seldom thought of the city far-away again. People were what I enjoyed the most. I made friends on ferries, on trains, in airports, at school, in clubs and bars, during WG-hunts and in the WG where I lived. I once loved them so much that I cried like hell as I stepped into the airport terminal. I was still very sad when I made it to Stockholm (it could be the weather though) after leaving Berlin. Now I could smile at it. Feelings and emotions are chemical surges that cannot maintain forever, I always thought, well, maybe friendship and love too. As feelings and emotions die out, you see more clearly about the whole matter. I don’t feel sad any more. I thought I have settled well back in Hong Kong. I always tell people, including myself, that this is my home and I like it here. I like it enough to stay for a long while.

The tiniest things are the most powerful in pushing me down the pit of memory. It might sound strange but I feel soft when I eat a good croissant, soft enough to allow myself to melt into the back of my mind. I would picture myself sitting at the back of HU, sipping coffee from a bowl, biting into a big warm croissant on which I just spread butter and strawberry jam. The school year just passed was really busy and it felt like a decade so I was surprised to find out my memory from the year before was still full of live when it was summoned by a croissant. I took down all the bracelets collected from cities I travelled to and liked except one from a friend via post. I restyled my hair so the red (okay I know I kinda failed but I did get a hint of red on the stubborn black) faded and I got it cut and straightened again. I bought a new cell phone and a new watch for my phone was lost and my watch out of order. I don’t use the bags I used in Europe. There is not a thing that would remind me of my exchange year. Then this one night when I stood at a crossroad, a passer-by awakened me with the scent that I used to wear a year or so ago. It was neither sunny nor rainy; clumps of clouds floated in the sky and the wind blew them into floss at the edge; the sun was nowhere to be seen but the sky was blue like paint. I walked down the pavement of Wilmersdorf, maybe to a supermarket or a bakery or on my way to school before I could make up my mind whether I should take the bus or the U-bahn. I applied that fragrance when I was moody and feeling lazy; it was also when I dissociated myself from the reality and enjoyed watching the city passed by as though the surroundings is a moving screen.

My attachment to Berlin is something I had tried to deny. I don’t like being attached to anything. This afternoon, I got a message from a friend, asking for recommendations about traveling and sight-seeing in Berlin. I didn’t need to think and I typed out a run-on mail to her. It felt strange. All of a sudden, feelings and emotions hit. By typing out the word ‘Kottbusser Tor’, I can feel what I felt when I got off from that station; the same with ‘Zoologischegarten’, ‘Franzoesischstrasse’ and ‘Hohenzollerndamm’. Everything came alive again because of typing out the U-bahn stations and making recommendation on what to do and where to go. Bits of memories of mine are partying in my mind; they spin, they stagger, they vanish and reappear the next second. I must have left a piece of my soul in Berlin. Having no intention to return and pick that piece up, I will continue to enjoy my life as an incomplete person and to dedicate my incomplete love to Hong Kong.

七月隨想

人的記憶如何不可靠，一再由時間印證。然而，記憶又是一種多麼奇妙的東西，往往在你以為舊事已矣時來襲。

那天晚上，我和一位朋友飯後在旺角遊蕩，不知不覺走到了大角咀，在柳樹街上，雖然四處景物十分眼熟，可惜我的方向感甚普通，沒有認出前往莊啟程的路。離校許多年，我沒有再回去。沒有想過，是湊巧沒空，抑或是我要迴避甚麼，那天一想，原來，都是。

繞了幾個圈終於到了詩歌舞街。校門緊緊的鎖上了，校舍內的燈沒有全滅，我看著空無一人的籃球場，想起了許多鄰班的同學。那條路上我印象最深刻的，竟然是前男友來幫數組的同學補課時我等他放學或者他等我放學一起走去地鐵站的片段，之所以深刻，大概除了剛開始拍拖的甜蜜外還有許多源自自尊與驕矜的痛苦以及莫名的不安與愴惶。

轉角那間文具舖還在，我在那兒買的計算機老早就丟失了。夜，很靜，我和朋友挪著兩條腿，消防局還是老樣子，我說，我喜歡夜的城市，我喜歡城市的夜。那樣沓無人煙的馬路讓人覺得安心，新的舊的大廈擠在一塊，有的窗戶嚴嚴密密地拉上了厚重的布簾，一支紅色霓虹光管大刺刺的懸在屋簷下。舊舊的城的一個角落，甚麼時候要倒下去，甚麼時候一個新的角要冒起來。我再懷念舊居樓下的木棉樹，也喚不起卸掉的魂。

我愈掙扎我愈下沉。還有一年，我就大學畢業，大學畢業，就是失業。有人說我讀的是專業，撈不了大財倒也餓不死，有人說要為未來打算，就要快快交表抽居屋。小妹妹，長大了要做甚麼呀? 其實，我從來沒有寫過一篇題為「我的志願」的作文。許多小學同學做了保險經紀，許多中學同學做了護士。有人說要開補習社，有人說要開診所。我每天放工坐地鐵，一張臉逼在玻璃門上，開始不著邊際地做這個新鮮的文章。

電視上播放某義工機構為長者籌辦身後事的節目，一位年過九十的老伯伯，每天在冥鏹上蓋印，印章刻的是自己的名字和骨灰位地址。打開櫃門，一大個紅白藍膠袋裝滿了蓋好印的衣紙，老伯伯看著滿意地笑了。我忽然想到，transcript上的ABCD未必就比老伯伯那一大袋衣紙上的紅印強。

公司的金融主任是個年輕才俊，吃著昨天和新婚妻子煮的素食便當用帶有法國口音的英語問我，喜歡這裡上班嗎? 我望向大玻璃窗外，喃喃說，喜歡啊。的確，我很喜歡上班，在醫院做，在寫字樓做，都是很快樂的經驗，我喜歡忙碌，我喜歡有節奏和有規律的生活，我喜歡把工作整整齊齊地完成，因著我的輕微偏執性格，整和齊，是十分重要的。久動思靜，在許多朋友都去了遊埠的這個暑假，我連街也不多去，返足三個月工。最近因生理影響心煩抑鬱，在家崩潰失控一會後，因第二天要返工不敢放肆，唯有快快抹乾眼淚鼻涕收拾心情，才發現原來上班有助改善周期性情緒問題。

於是，我又回到了夏天。夏天有太陽，有雷暴，有驟雨，然而，最重要的是夏天有生命的溫度。

Good Friday

The weather broadcast is unfortunately accurate. It is a cold, grey, windy and rainy Good Friday. I bought some coffee and sat in a cafe. I love Maths but I am never good at it. I appreciate the priori nature and the absolute of it. It is a pity that I am not a priori person, nor an absolute one. Maybe this is why I resonate with the randomness of life, more than with logic.

I wandered in a CD shop and came across a pop opera. It has a bizarre cover but the music is even more bizarre. They said it is an esoteric piece. have never been this hungry for movies and music. It must be the exam stress. After watching 6 movies in less than a week, I am going watch my 7th, 8th and 9th tonight.