Flash-back

I didn’t have the sense of belonging to Hong Kong (or anywhere else in the world) until I lived in another place. It was Hong Kong that drove me to Berlin and it was Berlin that brought me to Hong Kong. Part of me fits in basically everywhere but the other part of me doesn’t fit in anywhere and this other part is more than just wanderlust. It is the reason of missing Hong Kong when I was miles away from it; and being in love with Berlin when I am back to this side of the globe. Despite the fact that I am Chinese and was born and raised in Hong Kong, I feel close to Germany more than anywhere else. The language sounds rougher than French, colder than Spanish; the weather almost froze me to death in winter; the choice of food is less than limited compared to what we have in Hong Kong; but I was in love, and still am.

After a year of hectic school work and all the work this summer, I thought I have settled well back in Hong Kong and I seldom thought of the city far-away again. People were what I enjoyed the most. I made friends on ferries, on trains, in airports, at school, in clubs and bars, during WG-hunts and in the WG where I lived. I once loved them so much that I cried like hell as I stepped into the airport terminal. I was still very sad when I made it to Stockholm (it could be the weather though) after leaving Berlin. Now I could smile at it. Feelings and emotions are chemical surges that cannot maintain forever, I always thought, well, maybe friendship and love too. As feelings and emotions die out, you see more clearly about the whole matter. I don’t feel sad any more. I thought I have settled well back in Hong Kong. I always tell people, including myself, that this is my home and I like it here. I like it enough to stay for a long while.

The tiniest things are the most powerful in pushing me down the pit of memory. It might sound strange but I feel soft when I eat a good croissant, soft enough to allow myself to melt into the back of my mind. I would picture myself sitting at the back of HU, sipping coffee from a bowl, biting into a big warm croissant on which I just spread butter and strawberry jam. The school year just passed was really busy and it felt like a decade so I was surprised to find out my memory from the year before was still full of live when it was summoned by a croissant. I took down all the bracelets collected from cities I travelled to and liked except one from a friend via post. I restyled my hair so the red (okay I know I kinda failed but I did get a hint of red on the stubborn black) faded and I got it cut and straightened again. I bought a new cell phone and a new watch for my phone was lost and my watch out of order. I don’t use the bags I used in Europe. There is not a thing that would remind me of my exchange year. Then this one night when I stood at a crossroad, a passer-by awakened me with the scent that I used to wear a year or so ago. It was neither sunny nor rainy; clumps of clouds floated in the sky and the wind blew them into floss at the edge; the sun was nowhere to be seen but the sky was blue like paint. I walked down the pavement of Wilmersdorf, maybe to a supermarket or a bakery or on my way to school before I could make up my mind whether I should take the bus or the U-bahn. I applied that fragrance when I was moody and feeling lazy; it was also when I dissociated myself from the reality and enjoyed watching the city passed by as though the surroundings is a moving screen.

My attachment to Berlin is something I had tried to deny. I don’t like being attached to anything. This afternoon, I got a message from a friend, asking for recommendations about traveling and sight-seeing in Berlin. I didn’t need to think and I typed out a run-on mail to her. It felt strange. All of a sudden, feelings and emotions hit. By typing out the word ‘Kottbusser Tor’, I can feel what I felt when I got off from that station; the same with ‘Zoologischegarten’, ‘Franzoesischstrasse’ and ‘Hohenzollerndamm’. Everything came alive again because of typing out the U-bahn stations and making recommendation on what to do and where to go. Bits of memories of mine are partying in my mind; they spin, they stagger, they vanish and reappear the next second. I must have left a piece of my soul in Berlin. Having no intention to return and pick that piece up, I will continue to enjoy my life as an incomplete person and to dedicate my incomplete love to Hong Kong.