七月隨想

人的記憶如何不可靠，一再由時間印證。然而，記憶又是一種多麼奇妙的東西，往往在你以為舊事已矣時來襲。

那天晚上，我和一位朋友飯後在旺角遊蕩，不知不覺走到了大角咀，在柳樹街上，雖然四處景物十分眼熟，可惜我的方向感甚普通，沒有認出前往莊啟程的路。離校許多年，我沒有再回去。沒有想過，是湊巧沒空，抑或是我要迴避甚麼，那天一想，原來，都是。

繞了幾個圈終於到了詩歌舞街。校門緊緊的鎖上了，校舍內的燈沒有全滅，我看著空無一人的籃球場，想起了許多鄰班的同學。那條路上我印象最深刻的，竟然是前男友來幫數組的同學補課時我等他放學或者他等我放學一起走去地鐵站的片段，之所以深刻，大概除了剛開始拍拖的甜蜜外還有許多源自自尊與驕矜的痛苦以及莫名的不安與愴惶。

轉角那間文具舖還在，我在那兒買的計算機老早就丟失了。夜，很靜，我和朋友挪著兩條腿，消防局還是老樣子，我說，我喜歡夜的城市，我喜歡城市的夜。那樣沓無人煙的馬路讓人覺得安心，新的舊的大廈擠在一塊，有的窗戶嚴嚴密密地拉上了厚重的布簾，一支紅色霓虹光管大刺刺的懸在屋簷下。舊舊的城的一個角落，甚麼時候要倒下去，甚麼時候一個新的角要冒起來。我再懷念舊居樓下的木棉樹，也喚不起卸掉的魂。

我愈掙扎我愈下沉。還有一年，我就大學畢業，大學畢業，就是失業。有人說我讀的是專業，撈不了大財倒也餓不死，有人說要為未來打算，就要快快交表抽居屋。小妹妹，長大了要做甚麼呀? 其實，我從來沒有寫過一篇題為「我的志願」的作文。許多小學同學做了保險經紀，許多中學同學做了護士。有人說要開補習社，有人說要開診所。我每天放工坐地鐵，一張臉逼在玻璃門上，開始不著邊際地做這個新鮮的文章。

電視上播放某義工機構為長者籌辦身後事的節目，一位年過九十的老伯伯，每天在冥鏹上蓋印，印章刻的是自己的名字和骨灰位地址。打開櫃門，一大個紅白藍膠袋裝滿了蓋好印的衣紙，老伯伯看著滿意地笑了。我忽然想到，transcript上的ABCD未必就比老伯伯那一大袋衣紙上的紅印強。

公司的金融主任是個年輕才俊，吃著昨天和新婚妻子煮的素食便當用帶有法國口音的英語問我，喜歡這裡上班嗎? 我望向大玻璃窗外，喃喃說，喜歡啊。的確，我很喜歡上班，在醫院做，在寫字樓做，都是很快樂的經驗，我喜歡忙碌，我喜歡有節奏和有規律的生活，我喜歡把工作整整齊齊地完成，因著我的輕微偏執性格，整和齊，是十分重要的。久動思靜，在許多朋友都去了遊埠的這個暑假，我連街也不多去，返足三個月工。最近因生理影響心煩抑鬱，在家崩潰失控一會後，因第二天要返工不敢放肆，唯有快快抹乾眼淚鼻涕收拾心情，才發現原來上班有助改善周期性情緒問題。

於是，我又回到了夏天。夏天有太陽，有雷暴，有驟雨，然而，最重要的是夏天有生命的溫度。

Good Friday

The weather broadcast is unfortunately accurate. It is a cold, grey, windy and rainy Good Friday. I bought some coffee and sat in a cafe. I love Maths but I am never good at it. I appreciate the priori nature and the absolute of it. It is a pity that I am not a priori person, nor an absolute one. Maybe this is why I resonate with the randomness of life, more than with logic.

I wandered in a CD shop and came across a pop opera. It has a bizarre cover but the music is even more bizarre. They said it is an esoteric piece. have never been this hungry for movies and music. It must be the exam stress. After watching 6 movies in less than a week, I am going watch my 7th, 8th and 9th tonight.

微小的、美麗的

今天早早的放學，在中大讀藥劑不用自製都有half day off是很難得並且振奮人心的事。我和張同學很有雅興地，一邊吹著各自看過的套套電影的水，一邊在地鐵和火車合併成的港鐵上搖搖晃晃地來到了又一城，非常豪爽地吃了個超級好味而味道和價錢成正比的午餐。兩個年紀加起來快有半百的人嗶哩吧啦地說著笑著，我就想起我們女校的根，才發現，原來我從聖傑靈轉過去莊啟程後，女校女仔的身影沒有離我太遠，A、C、E、W、M、J和L，都是我在聖傑靈以外識的女校女仔。我們總不時懷愐那段無邪歲月，日落西山，一行十幾人唱著紅日行落山的情景就如古老的神話片段般美好、荒謬而且遙遠。計多年後再回聖傑靈，Mrs Tsoi問一句「點解咁耐都唔返黎呀?」我聽了心酸得想哭，然而我還是笑笑，「沒甚麼，大學忙呀嘛。」那天我走，是為了更遠大的將來，還沒有進大學還不很成材，似乎不大好意思回去見父老。那天Y說，Ms Kwan上次見到我有問起你呀，我先是一陣驚喜，然後驚喜像方糖跌落咖啡，還沒有畢業還不很成材，似乎不大好意思回去見父老。

告別了張同學，我在地鐵和火車合併成的港鐵上搖搖晃晃地去了官塘買手錶。舊的手錶是前男友送的，雖然很美我現在還很喜歡，不過我在日內瓦的時候錶因為沒有電，停了。我沒有換上新電池。回來後，我們見過面，許多朋友都好奇我們會否復合，甚至我也好奇，然而我實在很享受自己一個的生活，我總覺得我們彼此之間就像那枚停了的手錶，停了，就讓它在那兒好好安息吧。我繼續如常為各種生活的需要、測驗考試lab reports group projects切切哀嚎，偶爾那放在玻璃櫃裡的舊手錶反射出亮晶晶的光，我看見了，又低下頭去幹我的活。地球在轉個沒完沒了，許多年前的Titanic現在以3D版載譽歸來，許多年前在我看來是外婆睡衣專用的碎花圖案現在又躍現於青春少艾的衫裙手袋之間，我的時間沒有因為那停了的手錶而慢下來，反而以自我有意識以來最高的速度前進著。於是我真的覺得是時候給自己買一隻新手錶了。
「機械錶係哂度啦?」
「係呀，小姐買比人呀?男裝?」
「唔係呀，自己戴。」
「哦，用過未架識唔識用呀?」
「未用過，不過我知應該係每日戴住郁到佢就識行囉。」
「係呀唔係用電架。點解會想買機械錶? 而家好少聽女仔會買機械錶自己戴喎。」
「我中意old fashion。」
實情是，我對永恆這個概念幾近沉迷。我很怕一些得到過會失去的東西，很怕要靠損耗性能源才能發動的東西，所以我小時候喜歡石頭和麻布多於容易爛的芭比娃娃，我喜歡上鍊的玩具多於電動玩具。機械錶，在我看來就有一重可以伴我走到人生終點的意味。但同sales哥哥講，佢應該會當我癡線。Sales哥哥十分健談，問了我一堆點解要買錶以前有無戴開錶讀咩學校會考幾分住邊等。情況令我想起去髮型屋時負責洗頭剪髮的師傅總是對著客人喋喋不休，沒有想過客人有時想耳根清靜一下。

買完手錶後，我去喝一杯咖啡。店員把奶泡似乎有點打過頭了，奶泡白白胖胖的鼓了起來，很堅固地矗立著，高高超過了杯邊，我用小匙勺一口，唔，真的打得太厚了。怡然自得的星期一，想看套戲，卻有意避開春嬌與志明。也不知道為什麼，彷彿那裡頭有我不想見到的人、有我不想聽到的聲音。然而志明與春嬌明明是好看的，明明我就一直期待春嬌與志明，怎麼到有機會看時卻躊躇不前呢?也許怕失望，也許怕面對變遷，怕戒掉綠Luck的春嬌與志明不再是那個她和他，怕志明與春嬌走出我的年輕回憶。

於是我去了看3D的Wrath of the Titans。這其實是Clash of the Titans的續集，至於Clash of the Titans，我在飛機上看了4次。可能很多人會覺得這是一部爛片，但這講打講殺的神話式英雄故事卻莫名其妙地使我神魂顛倒。一千零一夜的詭譎奇情和有血有肉的人性揉合了沙漠黃土的凝滯空氣，我鍾情的應該就是屬於遠古希臘時代的那種荒涼吧。

桌面還有兩包薯片，我還有好多事情要做。但我還是禁不住要寫下一點甚麼，讓我好好記住，屬於我的快樂和浪漫。

霧

自我回來，許多人說我肥了長好看了，除了覺得窄腳褲不再合穿，天天照鏡子的我覺得其實鏡中人還是那模樣。性格變了麼?想法換了麼? 世界在變人也在變，本來就是恆常的事。

有時候百思不得其解，自己怎麼會是如今這副樣子，更多的時候我羨慕過去的自己，然而今天看書看到一句很中要害的話: Alte Zeiten kann man nicht wiederholen. Wie schon der Name sagt, sind diese Zeiten alt. 活在當下，總是說易行難。

這天和故人重聚，我曾經不曉得該如何處理剪不斷理還亂的愛恨情仇和新聞舊帳，然而日子久了你就知道，要放下的遲早會放得下，放不下的就擱著也無妨。春天是個迷人的季節，日間還陽光普照把藍天白雲全抖出來曬得人臉頰一片通紅汗流浹背，斜陽暉映就有了一分涼意，晚上倒又起了濃霧叫人墮入那麼感性嫵媚的陷阱裡去，然後讓風濕痛提醒你歲月如梭不留情。我避開了多人走的通道，在一片空曠的土地上，我停下來，抬起頭，夜色如何已經看不見了，四下繚繞的盡是厚重的霧，我吸一口氣，看著在霧中溶開來昏黃的街燈哼起了一首歌。這個世紀再轟動的故事下個或者下下個世紀都未必能再被記起，大都市裡的一個小點，沒多久就要灰飛煙滅，有幸活過已堪安息。

想太多了，人總是想太多。我總是想太多。明明沒有應該牽掛苦惱的事，非要讓思慮鎖上一雙眉，不快樂的人有時候是活該不快樂的。但我今天難得地很快樂，是霧的緣故吧。

想說的還有，但我卻想安靜了。

It's A Thursday

My parents don't have savings. I don't either. Our family philosophy is - spend what you should today and let tomorrow take care of its need. I guess this is why we are still so poor today. It doesn't really matter because I grew up with it and I am used to it.  However my thoughts might have changed discretely and I didn't even realize until recent days. I start to think it might not be a bad idea to buy a flat, especially when I am going to spend my whole life with nothing but myself. How weird! Now I know the brightest eyes belong to the new-born and the elderly, the former haven't entered the world and the later have lived beyond the world already. I never wanted a flat, or a car, or money, or jewellery when I was young. I bet I don't want any of these when I grow old. Then why would I want a flat now?

Not only can food and drugs be contaminated, so can minds.

I asked my student to write on the topic, 'What I wish for Hong Kong in 10 years'. He hasn't handed it in but I do have my own answer. I want universal suffrage and better control on immigration. Concerning the Mainland pre-moms, I do have some opinions. I don't understand why someone would want to move to a place if  that person is reluctant to even just speak the local official language. I don't understand why someone would want to move to a place if that person is not in love with the city and the local culture - if one is, one would not tarnish the city by spitting and peeing everywhere or spoil the harmony by pushing through the crowd in the tube to get a seat - unless exploitation of our social welfare and enjoying our citizenship are the reasons. It seems to me HK is more appealing to females than males because other than pre-moms, there is another population fighting for the right to reside - the Philippino maids. It is a lady's misfortune if she wants to marry a guy in HK because in every 4 females, 1 might never have the chance to mate. Though it probably has nothing to do with me, I still find it problematic. Besides, I am really concerned with the male-female toilet ratio in public places.

I am just a poor student struggling to graduate and there is nothing much I can do about HK.

After the German lesson, we went to a bar for a drink with our teacher, Eva. It was a relaxing time for chit-chatting and we enjoyed it. The funny thing was, only 2 out of 7 took an alcoholic drink whereas we 5 (including Eva) ordered coke (mine is coke zero). I told my classmates today and they didn't seem to believe it. They said Anabelle always drinks. I guess it was true - it had been true for two years. Perhaps I don't have the hormones to be so rebellious and I don't want the tipsy feeling anymore. It is time to put myself on probation and let my system be cleared up. There is a Chinese saying that goes, 'It is easy to make a lake into mountain but it is difficult to alter one's character'. It is probably the saying that I agree to the least. My personality has been changing and changing. There are traces of my old characters but I am a different person every several years. It is not what I would have expected nonetheless it is what happens.

So I just stop drinking, not even red wine or Southern Comfort. Is it difficult? Like quitting cigarette, not if you want to.

多謝你們

許多時候，我愛躲懶，誰約我都不想上街去。我是個很自閉的人，我其實很討厭說話，是很難以置信嗎? 是的，因為每次見到大家我總是很多話，又總是很多故事很多主意很多大計要分享。有人的地方，我就有精力和心情嘻嘻哈哈，然而這也是很累人的一件事。朋友一多，時間就不夠分了。

我最喜歡還是自己一個，在家就死命地看美國的電視劇集，一邊啃著有果仁的巧克力，要不我就拿本書帶上iPod去找一個沒那麼多人的café，喝一小杯濃郁的咖啡，窗外的煙雨一下子就跟我沒關係了。我還很喜歡寫東西，不是打這種爛blog，而是拿爸爸送我的墨水筆，在包了皮革的本子上，很仔細地一筆一劃地寫，鋼筆的筆咀在紙片上沙沙地溜，墨水一會兒乾了，留下藍黑色的跡，這是一件很浪漫的事，也只有在我一個人的時候才會做。我不喜歡打電話給人，也很怕人打電話給我，我是個很討厭聲音的人，除了音樂，人類真應該少一點發出聲響。但我很喜歡文字，所以啊，儘管發SMS給我吧，儘管寄信給我吧，我是很歡迎的。

中學有一班好朋友，她們都是很好的女孩子。她們一直都在我身邊，但我總是疏懶於主動找她們，提出要約聚會的總是她們，也多虧了這群女孩，我時刻記著我們的校訓 – Brave Gentle Sincere。我大概是個不合格的校友吧，但這是一輩子的功課，我沒有忘記，而在勇敢、溫婉和誠懇的你們身上，我常常找得到美好和善良的人性特點，每每叫我灰心的時候又得到了鼓勵。話好像說得有點誇張，但這是我在這八年間的真實感受，多謝你們。

雖然我不喜歡也不會打麻雀，雖然我不喜歡燒烤，雖然我一直想避免看那些年，但和你們一起，其實做甚麼都是很快樂的。那些年結果還是看了，可能因為我沒有沈佳宜的長相，命裡也就沒有柯景騰這類人物，我一點哀傷的感覺都沒有，也不知道這戲感人在哪，那些年對我來說只是充滿了打飛機片段的一套笑片罷了。

假期快要結束，明天又要上學了。

Silent Night

I like staying in on the Silent Night instead of going out. In Hong Kong, Christmas is celebrated in a way I cannot agree with. I do not understand the people counting down in front of the big screen of Time Square or around the Clock Tower of Tsim Sha Tsui. Silent Night is meant to be silent. Instead of squeezing through the crowd in downtown, I had a simple meal with my parents and I thanked God for giving us Jesus Christ when I said the grace before meals - I am not a good Christian and seldom am I a grateful person but even the sinner can be touched by the holy air of Christmas.

Unfortunately, we haven't got a turkey for Christmas since Dad retired. It was one of the reasons for my being a Christmas fan. I liked turkeys because they are the biggest birds I have ever seen in our kitchen. Of course it would be even better if they showed up alive but that would not be realistic at our home.

I imagined how cold, crowded, noisy and nauseous it can be outside. The soup was a bit too sweet. My Dad complained about his dry skin. Mum defended why she placed two dished on a plate. The vegetable turned cold quickly because of the weather and we do not switch on the heater before my parents go to bed. Things were trivial but usually the most trivial piece of memory is the last to vanish as we grow old. Sometimes I cannot tell are we still growing up or are we growing old already, especially in Winter. I always imagine myself sitting next to a burning fire in an old grate, knitting, with the television on.

I started my research on the topics for model UN conference which is to be held in early January. Now I would say I should have chosen to read a few pages of those old English story books instead. The weather is cold but I did not shiver, not until I read about all the brutalities against women, not until I read about different types of human trafficking.

In Hong Kong, Christmas might be more a festivals for love birds than for families and the single troop often complains about having a lonely Christmas. Who doesn't want a boyfriend/husband to cuddle with in this chilly season of the year but what if your intimate partner is your abuser?

I was planning to isolate myself from the wide wild world and have a peaceful Silent Night in my room but now I am just stirred up and feeling sorry. Maybe reading news was not the best choice to 'isolate myself from the wide wild world'.